A Letter to my mother

Dear mom it is so frustrating for me, and breaks my heart to see how you change every time you come back from a long event. I have found that every time you go to an event you come back so distant and unavailable, that you seem like such a different person. I have gotten to the point that I actually dread it when you come. It seems to take a couple of months before you are available again as a mother and friend. When you attend the school for any length of time you seem so far away. It leaves me feeling so lost and confused and I don’t understand why you are not there for me any more. I have pulled away from you and I don’t even know if you have noticed. I don’t think that I am asking for very much just to be able to call you or come over now and then and have you appear as if I am important to you. I have tried to talk to you about my concerns and you don’t seem to get what I am talking about. I don’t understand why you would let this school take you so far away from the one’s that love you and miss you the most, like me. I have talked with other family members and they say the same thing, they miss you and that you are so different for along time after attending the longer events. It makes me so sad the broken promises that it will be different this time. You said this time you wouldn’t get so wrapped up in it, you keep saying I can do this and not go overboard again. You say I am so special to you, but you act like the school is the most important thing in your life. You talk of the importance of friends and family but you seem to have isolated yourself to a community of only masters as your support system. When you broke your nose doing field work did any of your friends offer to go with you or take you to the hospital? No. When someone slammed into you and knocked you down, and you broke your arm doing field work did anyone of your friends at the school offer to go with or take you to the hospital? No. What about me and our family what happened to us? You focus on your school teachings so much you don’t seem available for the life we used to share together. I miss you so much. Where is it you go when I see you? When I talk to you it seems as if you are so distracted, like no one is home, I want to shake you and wake you up from the sleep that you seem to be in, but I am afraid to loose what little connection I have left with you. When you have been far enough away from the school for a while I start to see glimmers of the mother I missed so much. You start to smile and act like you care again. You seem interested in my life and your family’s life. You seem less self absorbed, appear lighter and less fearful, less stressed out and more relaxed, how can this school be so beneficial if it takes you away from everything you say you love and loves you; Because it sure does. I cannot help thinking about Jesus or any other spiritual person when they went through their spiritual learning or school or what ever you want to call it. I just don’t think they said to their family “hey, I am in training to be a big spiritual leader of sorts and you, my family in the big scheme of things well you just aren’t important anymore; sorry just deal with it.”

Hello former student 46,
What a touching letter you have written to your Mom. Reading it brought tears to my eyes. Here's my letter to my Mom...

A letter to my Mother,
Well Mom, your birthday and Mother's Day just passed and I sure did miss you. I wish we had not cremated the remains of your body because I would like to have a grave to visit. I could bring some flowers and sit there talking to you.

How do I make up for lost time, Mom? All those years I spent in school and I believed that it was the most important thing I could be doing. All those years I practiced my disciplines everyday and no, I did not have the time to come swimming with you, and no, I did not have the time to play Mah-jong with you and no, I did not have the time to sit with you when you were bedridden and no longer able to move or talk.

But I never stopped caring about you. It's just that I was not in my right mind for all those years. My mind was hijacked (some would say stolen) and wrong mind led to wrong choices.

So I didn't take care of you the way that I could've/should've/would've. And no one is sorrier than me. Now I don't even have a Mom but I do have a lot more free time because I don't do those disciplines anymore. They are not real, they are make-believe. But when a person is under the influence of a predator make-believe seems real. It's a fairy tale gone bad.

When you became ill I was extremely worried about you and that made me spend more time doing disciplines. I figured that if I could become a Christ then I could heal you and wouldn't that be better than going to doctors who had no hope?

But it didn't work out that way. I've learned that is the difference between fantasy and reality. Fantasy is the way something is in my head and reality is the way that things don't work out.

I'm sorry that I was unavailable. I was unknowingly under the influence of delusion. But I'm not anymore and I sure did miss you on your birthday and Mother's Day.

xxxxxoooooo

utterly moving....both.