Your attention, please! For everybody's protection, I have appointed myself official adult beverage quality control officer - all alcoholic beverages will be sampled by me to ensure your partying safety. Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh, and uh, will we be leaving soon? It seems there is a small misunderstanding involving an ongoing misdemeanor investigation by the Merced County Sheriff's Department and they may or may not be seeking to question me regarding events of which I may or may not have knowledge . . .
It would be shame to mar this festive outing over insignificant and unsubstantiated rumors of questionable behavior . . .