A yellow, old-fashioned, US school bus is parked somewhere in cyberspace. An orderly queue of passengers, standing a little distance away, waits patiently to board. Number: twenty two. Gender: predominantly male. Ethnicity: apparently 100% Caucasian. Economic circumstances: varied. Sexual orientation: er ... let's not go there. Nationality: ditto. Average age: middle. And rising.

Already on the bus, standing at the top of a few steps, looking through the open doors and waiting to welcome everyone on board, is tour guide Reginald Sapworthy. A middle aged Englishman of average height and build and generally unremarkable appearance, he is wearing a blue blazer with brass buttons, although today he has daringly left the buttons undone. He wears a crisp, white shirt, and a dark red tie, but little does anyone know that behind the knot of the tie the top button of the shirt is also undone, this being another little symbol of his fundamentally anti-establishment nature. He sports a pair of white flannel trousers, and a pair of brown brogue shoes. Beside him is the driver of the bus, sitting in his place, and wearing a black hoodie which makes his appearance somewhat indeterminate. Reg turns to the driver: ‘It’s time’. The driver nods, and Reg gestures for the eager line of passengers to approach the bus.

Reg calls out to all and sundry:

‘Remember … there is no place for your ego on this bus’.

Near the back of the queue, Toni whispers to Laurie:

‘Well, as his is on board already, there won’t be room for anyone else’s’.

Laurie: Tee hee!

And then Reg greets them one by one as they ascend the few steps.

Reg: And you are?

Don B: Dominic B. Wagstaff - reporting for duty!

Reg: Pardon?

Don B: I, er, said Dominic B. Wagstaff … reporting for duty!

Reg consults his list.

Reg: Your name’s not down. So you’re not coming in. Or on.

Don B: But it’s me … Dominic B. Wags … don’t you read … ? (Sheepishly) It’s me, er, Don B.

Reg: Oh! Don B. You should have said. Welcome aboard Don.

Don B: (Relieved). Thanks Reg. And hey, this trip isn’t going to last too long, is it? I’ll get it in the neck from Arista if I’m not back by August 16th.

Reg: Don’t worry Don. You’ll be back by then. Maybe even for Hawk Lift off Day!

Don B: Gee thanks, Reg. You’re the man!

And Don passes Reg and takes his seat. Reg then notices exceptionally tall passenger number two approaching the open door, and tries to be helpful.

Reg: Watch your head there, young man!

The second passenger lowers his head, and safely enters the bus.

Pieter: Thanks for your inlay, Reg.

Reg: My … what? Hang on … don’t tell me. It’s Pieter. From Norway.

Pieter : That’s right Reg. How did you know? This is so exiting.

Reg: No, don’t go yet. You’ve just got on. And I’m so pleased you made it from Norway. I was worried about you getting through all that snow.

Pieter: Me too Reg. There was a hudge amount. So I set off a little early.

Reg: What? A couple of days ago?

Pieter: No. February.

Reg: Oh …

Pieter: … 2009.

Reg: I see. Anyway Pieter - take your seat and I’ll talk to you later. We need to have a few words.

Pieter: What about Reg? Is it another hudge surprise?

Reg mutters under his breath.

Reg: It will be for you, mate.

Pieter: Sorry Reg. I missed that inlay.

Reg: Later, Pete, later.

Reg: And now who is this? Name please.

Ignaz: Hi Reg. It’s Ignaz.

Reg studies his list again.

Reg: Ah yes. Ignaz. And nationality?

Ignaz: German.

Reg: Correct. And I see from your application to join the trip that you like travelling all over Europe. Occupation?

Ignaz: No, we don’t do that anymore. Just sightseeing.

Reg: That’s a relief. And the next one please.

A man with an aggrieved expression approaches the bus. He also wears a kilt and a sporran.

Reg: Come on up, Alan.

Alan: Och! I dinnae know how you ken it was me.

Reg: It was the expression that did it. I can tell a Scotsman anywhere. And where is Rosie today?

Alan: Aye Reg. She couldnae make it this time.

Reg: That’s a great shame Alan. She’s a fine lass is your Rosie.

Alan: Och, she is that, begorrah.

Reg: ‘Begorrah’? That’s Irish, not Scottish.

Alan: Well dinnae blame me. You’re the one who’s writing this nonsense.

Reg: Fair point. Anyway - about Rosie.

Alan: Aye Reg. Well, she keeps me grounded, you know.

Reg: You mean she keeps you in touch with reality?

Alan: Nae. I mean she doesnae let me out of the house on me own.

Reg: Well, you’re out of the house now!

Alan: No I’m not. I’m sitting in front of me laptop reading this drivel.

Reg: (Cough.) Don’t spoil the illusion, mate. See you a bit later.

Another tall man enters the bus.

Tony M: Hi Reg. It’s Tony McKiernan here.

Reg: Hi Tony. Great to meet you at last.

Tony M: You too.

Reg: Yes, they’re a great band.

Tony M: No, I said ‘you too’. Not ‘U2’.

Reg is confused, and makes a mental note that Tony M could be trouble.

Reg: Yeah … whatever. (Cough.) Anyway, how’s your health these days?

Tony M: Bearing up Reg, thanks.

Reg: And a great job you guys did on the Leeds-Bradford Airport project.

Tony M: Er, yes. Thanks again. That was a big one.

Reg: And next please!

Up the steps comes Les.

Les: Hello Reg. I’m Les. From the south coast.

Reg: Don’t be so modest Les. Be proud to be from Brighton … the gay capital of the UK!

Les: All right - keep your voice down, mate.

Reg: And where’s your brother, Roger? Couldn’t he make this trip?

Les: ‘Fraid not, Reg. He’s, er, actually due in court today. Accused of assaulting his hairdresser.

Reg: Sorry to hear it, Les. Still … he was sorely provoked, wasn’t he?

Les: Beyond endurance, Reg. Beyond endurance.

An angry voice is heard from the queue:

DLM: Hey wise guy! Aren’t any Americans gonna be allowed on this bus, dude?

Reg: Certainly sir. Everybody down there … make way for our friend from the colonies.

And DLM boards the bus.

Reg: And you claim to be American, sir?

DLM: Claim? Claim??? There ain’t no darn claiming about it, fella.

Reg: I’m sure there isn’t. But I must run a couple of tests. Say … ‘job’.

DLM: Jarb.

Reg: Perfect. And now … clock.

DLM: Clack.

Reg: Excellent. And now the last one. It’s a biggie. Try saying ‘I must marry merry Mary’, without making ‘marry’, ‘merry’ and ‘Mary’ all sound exactly the same.

DLM: Sorry, bub. No can do. That’s impossible.

(Everyone - try it at home. Now.)

Reg: It certainly is. If you’re American. Which means you’ve passed, Welcome aboard, er … dude. Our first American passenger.

DLM: OK. Gotta say I’d much rather be on my Harley than on this heap of sh …

Reg: … er, yes. I’m sure you would. And DLM … I’ve just got to say one thing. On behalf of all of us.

DLM: Yeah? Word up?

Reg: A genuine thanks for all of the videos. Hugely appreciated.

Pieter: (From the back of the bus) Yes, hudgely.

And then a tremendous round of applause comes from everyone, either in the bus or still outside. For DLM. And as he takes his seat he becomes a little emotional. Now that he finally knows they care.

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So there’s the first few passengers on board. The rest of you will be getting on over the next couple of days. You’ve now got a bit of an idea of what it’s going to be like. If you’re on, and you want to get off - Reg quite understands. If you’re in the queue, and having second thoughts - you’re free to go. On the other hand, if you’re not yet in the queue - there’s still time to join it.

(Hint from Reg - once we get going, it’s going to be worth the ride. Dude.)

well what a surprise, I didn't know I was invited.
And I love your grammar.
I may need an interpreter, I don't understand The Queen's English.
Thanks for the ticket.
Luckily I have refreshments in my pocket.

Peace,
DLM

Ah, so that rascal Wagstaff got on disguised as me? Well, I'll just swing on behind as the bus pulls out. Of course, there won't be a problem with beverages - Wagstaff usually has his pockets stuffed with flasks . . .

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Oh dear. Correction. Don B. was obviously the first American on board. DLM was in fact the second. (And it was all going so well. Reg thought.)

Wow, I can't believe all I said was "Tee hee!" Heh. I feel certain I must have been saying SOMETHING else. Mega-chortle. Huh. Perhaps I'm keeping everyone in line-- I mean, in the queue-- entertained by singing a medley of Alvin hits in German? Or even Welsh. Cymru am byth & all. At least I get to sit next to Toni! :-)

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Been working on the road and just got in from the crossroads. Me and my baby are Standing at the station, Ready ready ready to Rock'n'roll. Hear me calling you!

hi reg
can eric come too..?
he will get an easyjet flight from geneve quick...
its only 1hr 20mins
he might come in handy...he speaks lots of languages
cant wait to get on..
i hope that there is a spare place next to me for him
love jane

I am waiting at the bus stop...

Don't forget I have the "lettuce"...always needed on a bus trip..:)

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Hi there, Tour Guide. Me thinks you know toooo much - in a nice way. Leeds-Bradford Airport? Cool, and true. I'm staying on the bus - fare enough?

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Loving this already Reg. You can say whatever you like about Brighton - I still consider myself a London exile, so, while you're poking fun at the damage we all do to the English language, can I hope that a few miles down the frog and toad, we'll stop at a rub-a-dub for a couple of Britneys?

Cor blimey! Our Les 'as gone & used 'is loaf wiv a bit o' Cockney rhymin' slang! Loaf o' bread, that is...rhymes wiv-- you guessed it. ;-) Luv, a NYC Brit's Ioway Granddaughter

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Nice place in the back of the buss .. Normally at concerts i like to be at the front . At last i Am gonna meet Lauri and Toni . great to see the others again . I have to save some time between the ride for Dale and Don.
Over exited as usual...

Oh sure. I was the first to make a reservation and will be one of the last to board. Fine. But just a little warning...I throw-up if I'm not next to a window.

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We will have to make a short stop probably, Reg.
(If you allow, of course)
If Germany wins the Euro-Soccer-Finals next Sunday
I will have to buy German beer to celebrate with all of you. (What about England? Not sure they are still playing the tournament:-)))

Not sure they ever started playing.

However, the England team was clocking up some records:

Highest number of games lost on penalties
Highest number of overpaid players on a pitch
Ugliest and fattest Number 10 in the competition

I think Germany will win. Bring beer

Hi Reg.

Is there room for another female on the tour? I would like submit my request to be seated with the single gentlemen, por favor.

I will try to stay out of trouble, but I won't make any promises I might not be able to keep.

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FYI, Regworthy, since I'm such a languages and accents freak, I can't resist commenting that it's only Midwestern and Western Americans (generally) who pronounce "marry", "merry", and "Mary" virtually indistinguishably. For contrast, listen to a native New Yorker, say, from Elmhurst, Queens (my dad's hometown), Long Island (where we lived for awhile when I was a kid), or da Bronx (home of the New York Yankees-- go, Bombers!!), and you will soitanly hear a difference amongst the three woids. There are lots of New Yorkers in movies and TV. In the above-mentioned locales, for three examples, the "a" in "marry" normally sounds nothing like the one in "Mary", but like the "a" in "at"-- often pretty broadly so. As in the old '40s movie title, "I Maahrried a Witch". There are, of course, other Eastern accents. Have fun with Boston's! Then there are the various possible very unmerry and definitely non-Mary Southern versions, quite distinct from (Mid)Western ones, as in "I Mah'ied a Witch". Cackle. ;-)

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Robin, I'm going to presume to comment here in my capacity (such as it is) of "Co-Queen". It's really Toni you should be asking for permission to join the tour, not Reg, under all the circumstances.

Quote: Robin

Hi Reg.

Is there room for another female on the tour? I would like submit my request to be seated with the single gentlemen, por favor.

I will try to stay out of trouble, but I won't make any promises I might not be able to keep.

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Hi Laurie.

I would never dream of posting here before contacting Toni to offer my apologies for participating in the negativity of the recent past. She is the one who graciously invited me to rejoin this lovely community. I also let her know that I was going to try to hop on the Magical Mystery Tour bus, if Reg will have me.

Peace and Love, Robin

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And nobody as to worry about chocolate Jane will supllie all of us for the entired trip with Swiss chocolate

Hey Robin. I'll be delighted if I can sit with a nice lady like you - I can be a gentleman sometimes. We can compare photos of tropical beaches and cooking recipes along the way. I'm sure Reg won't mind.

And I would never have dreamed of posting my "Co-Queen" comments had I been in receipt of an update from Toni that she had completely changed her mind about letting you back on the board. Peace and love, Robin? No offense, but I've heard that before. Looks like I got on the wrong bus.

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All the girls invited in the back of the buss. I am goin to make Margerita`s ......

Les, you are sooo transparent. Oh, well. I tried.

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Thanks, dear Piet, but I'll take a rain-check on the liquor. I'm not feeling too well at the mo. Extended-family worries are getting me down, and now I'm having my doubts about this "tour". Think I'll either jump off a roof or go back to bed for awhile. See yez whenever, everybody!

Quote: Pieter

All the girls invited in the back of the buss. I am goin to make Margerita`s ......

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You can't leave Laurie - you're supposed to be my seat mate!

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Hi Laurie,

I want you to know that I regret the way I handled myself and I am truly sorry for my part in bringing negativity to Toni's lovely board dedicated to the great Alvin Lee. It is my most sincere hope that you will be willing to put the past behind us. I meant it when I wrote "Peace and Love". I have a lot of flaws, but I am sincere if nothing else.

Robin

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Thank you, Robin. Let's give it a whirl! :-)

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Excellent! Thanks, Laurie.

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Hi Jeremy, it is so good to be back among friends.

All is well with the feminine population. We are going to party in the back of the bus with Pieter.

I hope to see you in Paris in April. I have a feeling everyone will be there!

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