We interupt your regularly scheduled program "Beat the Clock - Immigration Edition" - where illegal immigrants negotiate an obstacle course to make it to America - for this special big-deal Wagstaff editorial.

Here from "News Central" - the backyard barzebo at Don B's place is our Wurlitzer Winning Anchorman - Dominic B. Wagstaff.

Good afternoon,

The debate over immigration reform is growing more heated in California where surveys show that 97% have a frimly established opinion about the issue, while less than 3% have a clue what they are talking about. Large demonstrations have started, voicing opinions from both sides, but nobody can seem to understand what the two sides are saying, primarily because neither side knows what it is talking about.

Here at the Wagstaff Report - as a public service - we have done the research for you and offer our simmple plain-language explanation, and a solution that makes far more sense than anything the federal government or any of the talking heads from the media have suggested.

To make sense of the issue we need to combine the two hottest topics of debate in California – a wall along the border with standardized testing. See, the problem isn’t immigration - the problem is we have too many people – both immigrants and citizens – that lack common sense and common decency. So I say we build the wall. Then we give everybody in the country a standardized common sense/common decency exam. If they flunk we catapult them over the wall – or we could even make it like an amusement park ride or something, so they won’t object too much. Then, anybody that wants in has to pass the standardized test for common sense/common decency. If they pass, we let them in. If they flunk, they stay out.

Remember this is a standards-based test – not norm referenced.

Here are just a few samples of some of the questions I would include in this common sense/common decency exam:

1) If it starts to rain I should
a. Come inside out of the rain
b. Stand in the rain
c. I dunno
d. I don’t give a sh*t

2) The Golden Rule is
a. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
b. Do unto other before they do unto you
c. Do unto others but don’t get caught
d. I dunno
e. I don’t give a sh*t

3. The name of this country is:
a. The United States of America
b. Mexico
c. The Barrio
d. I dunno
e. I don’t give a sh*t

4. . Supporting myself and/or my family is
a. My responsibility
b. Somebody else’s problem
c. The government’s problem
d. I dunno
e. I don’t give a sh*t

5. Teaching my children proper manners and consideration for other people is
a. My responsibility
b. WalMart’s responsibility
c. The school’s responsibility
d. I dunno
e. I don’t give a sh*t

5. Thou shalt not kill
a. I can live with that rule
b. I can’t live with that rule
c. I dunno/never heard of it
d. I don’t give a sh*t

6. Thou shalt not steal
a. I can live with that rule
b. I can’t live with that rule
c. I dunno/never heard of it
d. I don’t give a sh*t

7. If I can’t afford to support children, I should
a. Not have children
b. Have lots of children in an attempt to collect increased welfare benefits
c. I dunno
d. I don’t give a sh*t

8. I have no means of supporting myself/my family. I should:
a. Get a job and work hard
b. Break into more houses
c. Tell the old lady to get a job
d. Set up a Meth lab
e. I don’t give a sh*t

9) To get a better paying job, one needs a better education. I should
a. Pay attention and work hard in school
b. Screw off and socialize at school
c. Show up late and leave school early
d. Blame teachers for my lack of learning
e. I don’t give a sh*t

10. To get a job I must do all of the following EXCEPT:
a. Get out of bed
b. Sober/Clean up
c. Take a shower and dress appropriately
d. Show up on time for interview
e. I don’t give a sh*t

11. The proper flag to wave in this country, unless I want to turn a lot of Americans against my cause, is:
a. The American Flag
b. The Flag of Mexico
c. I dunno
d. I don’t give a sh*t

12. When I am in the U.S. I should
a. Obey American laws and pay taxes
b. Do whatever I want, whenever I want – it ain’t nobody’s business.
c. Take whatever I can get – legally or illegally
d. I dunno
e. I don’t give a sh*t

13. If I say or do something that is rude, offensive, or that hurts or hinders another I shoulc say
a. I'm sorry
b. My bad
c. What's your @#$#$%$%^$ problem?
d. I dunno
e. I don't give a sh*t

14. If I am in someones way or bump into them I should say
a. Excuse me
b. My bad
c. What's your !#%@#$*$%%@ problem?
d. I dunno
e. I don't give a sh*t

15. If somebody gives me a gift or does something nice for me, I should say
a. Thank you
b. "bout time
c. nothing
d. I dunno
e. I don't give a sh*t

Hopefully all of our elected official will come to what little senses they have and back the Wagstaff Plan - the only plan that simulateously works to solve immigration and most of the other social problems in our country in a quick exam and quicker catapult fling!

This is Dominic B. Wagstaff signing off!

We now return you to your regularly scheuled program "Facing Away From the Nation" in which our leaders from both political parties give us a rare treat by showing us their "good side" - facing away from the camera!

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YOU ARE A GENIUS MY FRIEND (PROBLEM SOLVED) I SUGGEST YOU FORWARD THAT TO THE BROWN HOUSE IMMEDIATELY IF NOT MUCH SOONER OR THERE ABOUTS GIVE OR TAKE A DAY. SADLY IT WILL FALL ON DEAF EARS NOW PRESIDENT (COME ON IN AND TAKE WHATS LEFT OF OUR COUNTRY)BUSH IS IN MEXICO CUTTING A DEAL TO GIVE WHATS LEFT OF OUR COUNTRY AWAY DID YOU HERE WHAT ELPRESIDENTA FOX SAID HE,S PIS.E. OFF AND SAYS WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL HIS PEOPLE ILLEGAL ALIENS THEY ARE VICTIMS AND THEY ARE SIMPLE IMMIGRANTS LOOKING FOR A BETTER LIFE( MY AS.) A BETTER LIFE ALL RIGHT, AT THE EXPENSE OF THE POOR OF THIS COUNTRY, AT THE EXPENSE OF THE BLACKS OF THIS COUNTRY, AT THE EXPENSE OF THE IMMIGRANTS OF THIS COUNTRY WHO HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE, AT THE EXPENSE OF THE SMALL BUSSINESS MEN OF THIS COUNTRY WHO CAN NOT COMPETE, WHILE THERE GIVIN A FREE RIDE, AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON HERES A FEW HAPPY STORIES ABOUT THE HARD WORKING VICTIMS (WHO ONLY WANT A BETTER LIFE)THEY STORMED OUT OF A HIGH SCHOOL IN CALF WHERE YOU,RE AT WAGMAN AND WERE DOING DAMAGE TO THE INSIDE OF THE SCHOOL, GOT OUTSIDE TORE DOWN A CHAIN LINK FENCE, TOOK THE AMERICAN FLAG FLYING AT THE SCHOOL DOWN PUT THE MEXICAN FLAG UP THE POLE THEN PUT THE AMERICAN FLAG BACK UP UPSIDE DOWN WHICH IS THE SIGNAL THAT YOU ARE IN DISTRESS YOU DIDN,T SEE THAT ON THE NEWS NOR DID YOU SEE THE SIGNS THEY WERE CARRYING IN THE PROTESTS LIKE (GET OUT OF OUR COUNTRY)?? (BROWN IS BEAUTIFUL) (WERE TAKING OUR CONTINENT BACK) WHILE THERE BURNING THE AMERICAN FLAG AND WAVING THOUSANDS OF MEXICAN FLAGS HUH IT,S PRETTY HARD TO FEEL SORRY FOR ANYONE LIKE THAT, WHILE THEY ALSO MAKE UP 13% ? OF THE POPULATION BUT YET THEY ARE 50% OF THE INMATES IN CALIF JAILS AND 29% OF THE POPULATION WHO ARE IN JAIL IN THE U.S. IN 2002, AND SAID TO BE OVER 35% NOW ????. ALL BEING HOUSED AND FEED AT THE EXPENSE OF THE AMERICAN TAXPAYERS WHO ARE RAPIDLY BEING TAXED OUT OF EXISTANCE WITH NO END IN SITE ONE LAST THING BEFORE YOU CALL ME A RACIST , WHICH I,AM A REALIST, IF THESE WERE WHITES FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY I,D BE SAYING THE SAME THING BELIEVE ME. THEY ARE PUTTING A NUMBER OUT THERE OF #15-20 MILLION ILLEGALS, WHICH IS A GOVT FIGURE, AND SAID TO BE MORE LIKE #30 MILLION ANYONE WHO THINKS I,AM WRONG PLEASE GET YOU,RE CALCULATOR OUT AND AD UP THIS, IF #30 MILLION PEOPLE ARE GIVIN A FREE RIDE INTO OUR COUNTRY DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY WILL THEN BE ABLE TO BRING EVERY AND I MEAN (EVERY MEMBER) OF THERE FAMILY BACK IN MEXICO AND SOUTH AMERICA INTO THIS COUNTRY, AND THE ESTIMATES THAT YOU,RE NOT GOING TO SEE ON T.V. ARE THAT THERE WILL BE OVER #100 MILLION OF THEM AFTER ONLY ONE YEAR THATS IF EACH ONE ONLY HAS BETWEEN 3-4 FAMILY MEMBERS , THE REAL NUMBERS ARE SAID TO BE MORE LIKE #150 MILLION PEOPLE (WERE DOOMED) PAUL

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I agree!!

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Outstanding Waggie!....Now we just need someone who Gives a sh*t....I dunno?....It might be fun watching 24 hours of catapulting....Will that be on Cable or Satellite?....

Just one hippie liberal note - they can't pay taxes if we don't hold employers responsible for hiring illegal immigrants!!!!!

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Iam not as up to date on the politics,However this is what I see, I do multi million dollar construction projects,all over the world,I finished a 200 million dollar project in Firewheel texas called a walkin mall it was 2 times the size of the town in Mississippi where I live, But we could not have done it without the Mexican work force!! thease guys and Gals will work from sun up till sun down and do a great job!! no horse play no bull crap they just work, they put the american work force to shame Black or White, However they are being exploted being paid min.wage because of there status,Here in N.O. everywhere you look there is mexican workers doing the work the american work force just stands and looks at!! Its really sad, so don't Blame them blamr ourselves for being so darn lazy!There here and we need to be able to tax them and pay them like anyone else and they are working there butts off!

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You are, of course, corect, Toni and those employers should be put in the express lane of the catapult line because their disregard for the laws of our country puts a burden on the taxpayers, overwhelms our social services, and defies common decency.

I guess the real point I was trying to make is we can't blame illegal immigraton for all of our problems. We need to start using common sense and common decency when dealing with each other.

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Common sense? Common decency?? Why Don, you're an old hippie too!

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You are absolutely rght, Ronnie - what matters is the character of people, not where they come from or the color of their skin. The dead weight in our society should be, but too often aren't, ashamed of themselves.

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Yeah, but yu left out the mot imortant part - the real badge ofcourage from "the other side" - I'm a grumpy old hippie! LOL!

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How could I forget Chuckie's great characterization of us. So much classier than calling us insurgents!

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On the thread of human decency - and not trying to be political in any way - I thought I'd give you some example of how far from that some of us have gotten. Following are real live, swear he said 'em statements from my neighbor:
1. We're Americans. We should be allowed to torture anyone we want.
2. There are no poor people; there are only people who don't try hard enough.
3. Why should the government give any money to the Katrina victims? If they were too stupid to get out of the way, that's their problem.
4. Of course I care about the environment - my environment. And those kooks from the Sierra Club are trying to stop decent businessmen from making money.
5. We have the best health care system in the world. If people can't afford it, they have only themselves to blame.
6. Hillary Clinton is a communist.

P.S. I know #6 was political; I just thought it drives home that the guy isn't only lacking in common decency, he's also an idiot.

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So, youlive next door to Archie Bunker

D@mn Toni, no wonder you're thinking about moving

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Exactly!! Like I said I Build,and we are a very important industry,if it wasen't for us no buildings would be built, I have great respect for the workin man,no matter what color he is,And the mexician work force is awesome, but they are being exploited ,and paid chickin feed cause they are on the most part illeagal,But what if they get hurt on the job they are out of luck cause they are illeagal and cain't do anything about it They are being robbed and I for one don't like it!!they need to have the same rights as any other worker and they deserve it simple as that!!

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Scary eh? Truthfully, you'd think he was the nicest guy in the world if you never heard his opinions on world affairs. Goes to church every Sunday, puts up a Nativity scene every Christmas and can't for the life of him see that those thoughts are the farthest thing from Christian imaginable.

Sheesh, at least Archie was funny!

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Unfortunately, there are hypocrites everywhere, and some are better than others at hiding their true feelings.

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Ain't it the truth.

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BELIEVE IT OR NOT TONI , I HEARD SHAWN HANNIETY(DON,T HAVE A CLUE ON THE SPELLING) ANYWAY HE SAYS IF BUSH PUSHES THIS THRU IT WILL THE BEGINNING OF THE END FOR THE REPB PARTY NOTING THAT ALL IT WOULD TAKE IS A VERY HEFTY FINE AND OR JAIL TIME, FOR THE CEO,S OF THE COMPANYS WHO KNOWLINGLY HIRE ILLEGALS. THEN ONCE THERE SORTED OUT THE GOVT WILL BE ABLE TO COLLECT TAXES AS THEY SHOULD YOU KNOW IT,S A TRICKY ISSUE WHEN THE BUSH SCHILLS AREN,T SUPPORTING HIM ON IT PEACE PAUL

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